My Fellow Americans:

At this very moment, our nation is facing a crisis. While enemies around the world like Russia, Iran, North Korea, and the Ottoman Empire seek to undermine us on a daily basis, the greatest threat to America comes from within our own borders. You know what I’m talking about. You just don’t want to say it out loud. But I will: 

The State of Youth Football is not good.

That’s right, as I type this in on the Acer computer in my apartment complex’s business center (where I enjoy unlimited printing privileges), a cartel of “educators,” physicians, health and wellness “experts,” scientists, and parents who never lettered in shit are doing everything in their power to wage a War on Youth Football with the ultimately goal of ending youth football in America as we know it.

Their attack is multi-pronged. The cartel’s “health” arm wants you to believe that concussions are real, that diving for the knees is dangerous, and that hydration is necessary. The “education” arm—made up of everyone from teachers to textbook publishers to chalk manufacturers—wants you to believe that literacy is more important than proper leverage, that a college degree isn’t a Ponzi scheme, and that you can lead a successful life without being a multi-year letterman. And perhaps the worst arm, the “self-esteem” arm, wants you to believe that it’s “inappropriate” for me scream obscenities at the youth football players I coach and call them failures, that “sportsmanship” and post-game handshakes have any place in youth sports, and that encouraging youth football players to intimidate and harass their opponents at school is wrong. (Also, self-esteem is a well-known hoax invented by motivational speakers to generate revenue, but that’s neither here nor there.)

I can see where the uninformed observer might write all of this off as benign hand-waving by losers desperate for attention: “Stupid and annoying? Absolutely. But are these people really as dangerous as you say they are, Coach?”

Yes, yes they are. Make no mistake about it: Their attack on youth football is an attack on America. Without football, it’s exceptionally unlikely that America would even exist. It certainly wouldn’t as it does today.

Let me give you a little history lesson. The SEC was founded in 1933. A decade later, America (having finally experienced the grind of an SEC schedule) single-handedly won World War II and emerged as the world’s sole superpower. Want to know what the Soviet Union and a bunch of other continents that no longer exist have in common? They never won an SEC Championship, and they never went to the moon (if you believe the moon really exists, which I’m still on the fence about).

So I must conclude by formally announcing that I’m declaring an official State of Emergency for youth football across the country. I am therefore invoking my vast executive powers to raise an army of like-minded patriots to fight, and win, the War on Football.

The very survival of our Republic depends on it.

God bless you all.

- Coach Letterman