Question: Coach, I noticed that, over the past couple of days, there have been a large number of GTurd fans lobbing personal attacks at you on Twitter. I’m having a hard time understanding how someone could have a problem with all that you’ve accomplished. What gives?

You are correct, the Twitter attacks have been quite vicious - to see those attacks and my responses, you can follow me on twitter @3YearLetterman. GTurd fans tend to hate me for one simple reason. Put yourself in their shoes for a second. Imagine you went to some random suburban Atlanta high school, where you didn’t letter in anything, got your head shoved into lockers, and never got invited to field parties. You were president of the Math Club, however, and eventually got into GTurd because your SAT math score was adequate. You then went there and spent four years surrounded by other guys, playing World of Warquest and Everquest deep into the night, and watching your football team get embarrassed by UGA every Saturday after Thanksgiving (unless the refs were cheating). You graduated with an engineering degree, but despite visions of making it big in Silicon Valley, you ended up working at an Office Depot in Sandy Springs.

You have dubious personal hygiene. The closest you’ve ever come to enjoying the company of a female was when your aunt set you up on a date with one of her co-workers’ daughters. You then asked said daughter if she wanted to meet up through Second Life avatars. You never heard back from her, and your aunt got fired. When you go to UGA-GTurd games, you get barked at and a swirlie from a man with a determined look and wraparound Oakleys and a somewhat rotund man with a combover and a beet red face. You have posted on Stingtalk while in tears multiple times. 

On the other hand you have me. I lived the dream in high school, lettering - and starting - in football for three years. I am a man of immaculate style, as I always have a fresh high and tight haircut, and my attire usually consists of black jeans, wraparound Oakleys, and 7-8 pumps of Tim McGraw southern blend cologne. I have won multiple youth football titles and am approaching Saban-like status. When I return to my high school and stand in student section, I am hailed as a legend when I show them the three stripes on my letter jacket and explain who I am. I get invited to field parties. I live in an apartment complex with a pool. I have access to a time share in Westminster, SC. I had a hairstylist named Jessika ask me to go see “A Christmas Carol” just this week.

So having lost badly on the athletic and style side, GT fans try to one-up me by boasting about their academic accomplishments and supposed professional success.  But there, they lose again. Unlike them, I didn’t waste a bunch of money on college, as I dropped out of Atlanta Perimeter after 3 semesters when I realized it was a Ponzi scheme. And here I am, nearly 20 years later, raking in $27/hour plus bennies, a cell phone, and unlimited company polo shirts. 

So that’s a long way of saying, they hate me because I am everything they are not.