About Me
I am a Youth Football Coaching Legend
In an era where we are increasingly told that the purpose of youth sports is to "build self-esteem," "teach teamwork," or "to let the kids have fun," I am part of the vanguard that still values winning above all else. I know about winning, because I've been doing it my entire life. And you don't just have to take my word for it - the proof is emblazoned on the ring I wear for the high school football region championship (3-way tie) we won senior year, as well as the three stripes on the letter jacket I still proudly wear some 20 years later. I receive standing ovations when I attend football games at my old high school and stand in the student section in my letter jacket.
I impart these successes on the next generation by coaching a youth football juggernaut. I have so many championship rings that I literally struggle to turn door handles. Doctors have cautioned me that the weight of the rings could cause early onset arthritis, but that is an easy price to pay for success. My best friend from high school serves as my defensive coordinator (you’ll see me refer to him as “my DC”) and the team’s emotional leader. He was a wrecking ball of a middle linebacker in high school. He dropped out of school after getting (wrongly) passed over for defensive player of the year. He is a proud employee of Sonic and drives a Chrysler LeBaron convertible. He reads at a seventh-grade level, but is a defensive mastermind. During the off-season, I am a showstopping Little League umpire.
But my successes are not limited to the football field. I am a 1%er who rakes in $35.03/hr plus bennies, a cell phone, a company gas card, and a company car, a fully loaded 2011 Taurus. This allows me to live in an apartment complex with a pool, computer lab, and passcode-protected security gate. I rent a deluxe townhome unit with a fountain view and have unlimited laser printing privileges in the computer lab. The inside of my apartment is even more resplendent. I have over 600 DVDs stored in a rotating DVD tower with a strobe light. My apartment is devoted with a Suit of Armor and a taxidermied wolf’s head. Most importantly, I purchased a waterbed without financing.
I also project an image of success. It is rare to find me not wearing a pair of freshly-pressed black jeans, wraparound Oakley sunglasses (even indoors), 7-8 pumps of Tim McGraw Southern Blend cologne, and, of course, a determined look on my face. I spend thousands of dollars a year at Beef O'Brady's, where I watch most major sporting events with my DC while consuming Miller Lite, Fireball shots, and steak nachos.
I am a die-hard Georgia football fan. While I did not attend school there (dropped out of Perimeter after three semesters when I realized college was a Ponzi scheme), no fan does more for the team’s success. I break down film of each game and tweet recommendations at the coaching staff and players. I have no qualms about barking at you, your children, or your aging grandparents if I see you wearing another school’s colors. I also pull out all the stops when it comes to recruiting, tweeting at or sending Facebook messages to recruits, their family members, or their friends. Some call it over the top - I call it being "all in."
I also believe with all my heart that America is the oldest and greatest country on the planet. Ben Franklin literally invented electricity and freedom when he was president. And our greatest living president, Gerald Ford, invented the car. We discovered outer space and we’re the first country to put a man on another planet when Neal Armstrong and Buzz Peterson went there. What other country can say that? None of them is the answer. And if that fact makes you uncomfortable, too bad - my right to free speech is enshrined in the Declaration of Independence.