Updates From the Road - December 24, 2017: We Drive to Branson, Missouri and Politely Nudge a Bicyclist Off the Road With Our ‘97 Dodge Stratus

This morning, we hit the road in our ‘97 Dodge Stratus to travel (with a giant plume of smoke behind us) from Texarkana to an incredible American city where I’ve always wanted to spend the holidays - Branson, Missouri. Branson basically what you’d get if you multiplied Gatlinburg by Pigeon Forge and then added Cherokee, North Carolina. So in other words, a must-see destination if you are an American, or even for someone from abroad traveling in America.

The trip up there was largely drama free. We stopped at a rest stop near the Arkansas-Missouri line where I had a testy exchange with some Missouri fans, who evidently are a little sensitive about you saying that “Lamar Odom” is their coach. But we made it to Branson, and I will able to do a little pre-dinner shopping and purchase an incredible custom-made leather belt with an attached leather cell phone holder with “Class of ‘97” emblazoned on them. 

We were able to cap the night off with a formal Christmas Eve dinner at Longhorn, and we left there to go to the Dixie Stampede parking lot to close a deal on 25 pairs of counterfeit Oakleys. We were running a few minutes behind, and on the way there, we got behind this bicyclist who was in the middle of the lane and going painfully slow. My offensive assistant who is on probation for selling counterfeit Oakleys (and not allowed to operate a motor vehicle) was driving, and tried honking, flashing his high beams, and yelling obscenities. At that point, my offensive assistant had no choice but to use the Dodge Stratus to easily nudge the bicyclist off to the side of the road and into the ditch. Otherwise, we were going to miss out on the deal. The nudge was so slight that the cyclist didn’t fall off his bike, nor were he or his bicycle harmed. I even rolled down the window to wish him a Happy Christmas as we rolled past. And how did that a-hole respond to my olive branch? By flipping me off and telling me to go to hell. 

Updates from the Road - December 23, 2017: We Trade a Chocolate Lab and 50 Pairs of Counterfeit Oakleys for a ‘97 Dodge Stratus

This morning got off to something of an ominous start, as I woke up on the ground in front of a Big Lots in Shreveport with no memory of how I got there or anything that happened after midnight. It turned out to be fate that brought me there.  Wandering through the parking lot was a very regal looking chocolate lab that evidently had gotten away from its owner. Where others might have just left the dog to fend for itself, I saw a greater opportunity and decided to pair the dog with counterfeit Oakleys to get a good deal on the ‘97 Dodge Stratus from the Days Inn front desk clerk that I previously mentioned. The dog had an LSU collar with a Saints logo dangling off of it, so it’s hard to imagine it had a very good life anyway.

In any event, I took the dog back to the Days Inn, closed the deal with the desk clerk (with the dog, we were able to get the car for only 50 pairs of counterfeit Oakleys), and we hit the road in the ‘97 Dodge Stratus. The trunk won’t completely close, there’s no tailpipe, no heat, and it leaves a trail of smoke the likes of which the world hasn’t seen since the Firebombing of Tokyo. But it got us from Point A to Point B, and we arrived in Texarkana unscathed and were able to watch the bowl games at TGI Friday’s. I ended up getting sucker punched by a San Diego State fan (guy had absolutely no humor about me barking at his daughter when she disagreed with my assessment that Rashaad Penny would be 4th on UGA’s depth chart), but I survived and was able to get management to throw him out by claiming the attack was unprovoked. Tomorrow, our journey takes us to one of the great American cities - Branson, Missouri, so stay tuned.

Updates from the Road - December 22, 2017: Entrepeneurship and Dealmaking Arrive in Shreveport

I’ve always dreamed of visiting Shreveport, but since I’m not a GTurd fan, I can’t use the Independence Bowl as an excuse to go there. But today, that dream materialized into reality.

Getting from Meridian, Mississippi to Shreveport isn’t the easiest thing to do without a car. Thankfully we ran into a fellow Dawg fan who distributes bread to Subways in Mississippi and Northern Louisiana. He agreed to give us a lift down to Shreveport in the back of his truck in exchange for five pairs of counterfeit Oakleys, which we happily gave up for the ride. He also gave us a booklet of buy one get one free coupons, so we are going to be eating like kings for the rest of the journey.

It isn’t often a place fully lives up to expectations, but Shreveport proved to be everything I’d hoped. Chemical plants, chain restaurants, the Independence Bowl, a bridge – this city has pretty much anything you could want. We were able to find a really great Sears there and stood out front and sold several pairs of counterfeit Oakleys to holiday shoppers before security intervened and forcibly removed us from the premises. It’s really a shame that Sears, once an icon of American ingenuity, no longer respects the entrepreneurial spirit. I guess we now know why that company is in trouble.

The day ended with an interesting proposition. We ended up befriending the desk clerk at the Days Inn where we are staying by offering him some Fireball. He was kind enough to look the other way when we went door to door at the hotel selling counterfeit Oakleys and telling them they could just put it on their bill. He was so impressed with the operation that he wanted to get in on the counterfeit Oakley distribution business, and negotiations began. After hearing about some of our transportation issues, he offered to trade us his ’97 Dodge Stratus straight up for one of our garbage bags of the sunglasses. We agreed to sleep on it, and the parameters for a historic compromise began to take shape.

Updates from the Road - December 21, 2017: We Get Kicked Out of a Church Van Carrying Senior Citizens

Today, the journey began for me, my youth football team’s defensive coordinator, and my offensive assistant who is on probation for selling counterfeit Oakleys. We are hitchhiking out to Pasadena for the Rose Bowl, for those that don’t know.  

After getting blackout drunk yesterday taking shots of fireball to celebrate each Georgia commitment, we caught a ride with my cousin last night, who is a delivery driver for Lance Snacks, to Phenix City, Alabama. This morning, we were at Hardee’s and ran into a senior citizen church group that was on their way to Jackson, Mississippi. After telling them we were trying to get to Jackson for a Men’s Bible Conference (not true), they agreed to give us a lift.

The trip started off very well. To help fund the trip out to Pasadena, we brought with us two large garbage bags of counterfeit Oakleys to sell along the way at $20 a piece. We explained to them that Oakleys are generally over $100, but we had a great deal for them on stylish sunglasses that their grandkids would love. They immediately purchased five pairs on the spot. 

Unfortunately, things started to veer off the tracks a few hours into the trip. After several complaints and requests that my DC “please stop using the f-word,” one of the ladies pulled out her magnifying glass and started looking at her pair of Oakleys more closely. It was at that point that she realized the glasses said “Oatleys,” and not “Oakleys.” She told the other passengers, and they immediately became upset and started demanding their money back. I told them that all sales were final, and if they didn’t like it, they could take it up with the Better Business Bureau. 

At that point, they pulled the van to the side of the road and made us get off in Merdian, Mississippi. We made sure to bark at the Auburn and Alabama fans as we got off and tell them that this was clearly just revenge for the SEC title game and our recruiting dominance over Alabama. So much for Christian charity during the holidays, I guess. But we didn’t let that setback ruin our day. We went to Chili’s, drank enough to kill a herd of elephants to celebrate the Luke Ford commitment, and ended up sleeping in the parking lot.