A Modest Proposal: Move SEC Media Days to Pigeon Forge

SEC Media Days started today in Atlanta. I don’t necessarily have a problem with having them in Atlanta, but why can’t they be hosted at one of the many other wonderful July vacation destinations in the SEC? Bainbridge, Dothan, Blackshear, and Helen are just a few examples of clearly superior locations.

One city, however, stands head and shoulders above all others. And that city is Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. Pigeon Forge embodies the SEC, which means it embodies America.

Nestled in the Great Smoky Mountains, Pigeon Forge is everything you could ask for in a host city. I know all about Pigeon Forge, because I have a riverside time share with an above-ground pool there, as should any member of the modern elite. The main strip in Pigeon Forge is a six-lane road divided in half by a lovely grass median. This five-mile thoroughfare offers you ready access to an entertainment, dining, cultural, musical, and artistic oasis unlike any other in the world. Adorning both sides of the main strip are airbrush t-shirt stands, putt putt golf courses, go kart tracks, arcades, bumper boats, outlet malls, and custom leather goods shops.

Just imagine SEC Media days with the following agenda items:

1. Each coach is required to give his press conference in an air-brushed t-shirt, with Lane Kiffin to select the design and slogan of each. Saban gets to select Kiffin’s.

2. The official group photo of the coaches is a black and white taken in 19th century attire at Wild Gals Old Time Photo (or one of the many other old time photo shops).

3. “Praying For You:” A round table discussion of spreading the message of Jesus Christ via Twitter DM, hosted by SEC coaching alum Hugh Freeze at the Biblical Times Dinner Theater.

4. “Together Again:” A reunion trip for Nick Saban and Jimbo Fisher to tour Ripley’s Believe it or Not in neighboring Gatlinburg followed by frozen yogurt and salt water taffy.

5. “Getting Off On The Right Foot:” A Lunch and Learn at Fuddruckers followed by a tour at the Titantic Museum, hosted by Bryan Harsin.

6. Coaches v. Media go kart race with speed governors removed at SpeedZone Fun Park. Hosted by SEC coaching alumni Bobby Petrino.

7. Putt putt competition for the media at Professor Hacker’s Lost Treasure Golf. The winner gets to give Nick Saban a urinal swirlie in a restroom at Dollywood.

8. “Dressing For Success:” A shopping excursion at the Tanger Outlet Mall, led by Josh Heupel.

9. Bowl Cuts with Kirby Smart at Great Clips.

10. Keynote Address at The Dixie Stampede: “Speaking With An Authentic Regional Accent” by Brian Kelly.

Time to do the right thing and move SEC Media Days to where God intended them to be.