Special NCAA Tournament Mailbag - Why It’s Ok to Superglue a Player’s Hands Together to Prevent Post-Game Handshakes

Question: Coach, I see that a bunch of people are upset because Kentucky supposedly did not shake hands with Kansas State after last night’s NCAA Tournament game. They are calling it “unsportsmanlike.” What is your take? 

Post-game handshakes went out of style with powdered wigs and Victorian corsets. It is a silly formality from a bygone era that belongs in the dust bin of history. When my youth football team has just gotten done embarrassing another team and running up the score, I am not going to lie and pretend it was a “good game.” Thus, I have implemented an absolute ban on post-game handshakes (the lone exception is when the handshake is a suberterfuge for taunting our defeated opponent).

I once had a kid on my team who violated this rule and went to shake the hands of some friends and a relative on a team we’d just defeated. I was absolutely livid when I saw him consorting with the enemy. The next game, as soon as the final horn sounded, my offensive assistant who is on probation for selling counterfeit Oakleys pulled the kid to the side, applied superglue to his hands, and pressed them together so that it would literally be impossible for the kid to shake hands with the opposing team. The kid eventually had to go to a doctor’s office to have his hands separated, but he never again tried to shake hands with the opposing team, so everything worked as planned.