Updates from the Road - December 21, 2017: We Get Kicked Out of a Church Van Carrying Senior Citizens

Today, the journey began for me, my youth football team’s defensive coordinator, and my offensive assistant who is on probation for selling counterfeit Oakleys. We are hitchhiking out to Pasadena for the Rose Bowl, for those that don’t know.  

After getting blackout drunk yesterday taking shots of fireball to celebrate each Georgia commitment, we caught a ride with my cousin last night, who is a delivery driver for Lance Snacks, to Phenix City, Alabama. This morning, we were at Hardee’s and ran into a senior citizen church group that was on their way to Jackson, Mississippi. After telling them we were trying to get to Jackson for a Men’s Bible Conference (not true), they agreed to give us a lift.

The trip started off very well. To help fund the trip out to Pasadena, we brought with us two large garbage bags of counterfeit Oakleys to sell along the way at $20 a piece. We explained to them that Oakleys are generally over $100, but we had a great deal for them on stylish sunglasses that their grandkids would love. They immediately purchased five pairs on the spot. 

Unfortunately, things started to veer off the tracks a few hours into the trip. After several complaints and requests that my DC “please stop using the f-word,” one of the ladies pulled out her magnifying glass and started looking at her pair of Oakleys more closely. It was at that point that she realized the glasses said “Oatleys,” and not “Oakleys.” She told the other passengers, and they immediately became upset and started demanding their money back. I told them that all sales were final, and if they didn’t like it, they could take it up with the Better Business Bureau. 

At that point, they pulled the van to the side of the road and made us get off in Merdian, Mississippi. We made sure to bark at the Auburn and Alabama fans as we got off and tell them that this was clearly just revenge for the SEC title game and our recruiting dominance over Alabama. So much for Christian charity during the holidays, I guess. But we didn’t let that setback ruin our day. We went to Chili’s, drank enough to kill a herd of elephants to celebrate the Luke Ford commitment, and ended up sleeping in the parking lot.