January 20, 2016: The DT with the Rat Tail Allegedly Superglues a Kid’s Hands to His Head

This is not good. The star defender for my youth football team this last season, the DT with the Rat Tail, allegedly superglued a kid’s hands to his head today at school. This evidently happened during detention while the teacher was out of the room, so the details are a little sketchy. The DT with the Rat Tail and the "victim" were the only ones in the room when the teacher left to go to the restroom. But when the teacher returned, the “victim” was locked in a closet with his hands superglued to his head, and the DT with the Rat Tail was nowhere to be found.

The DT with the Rat Tail’s father (an executive shoe salesman at Payless) called me immediately after the school called him. Obviously, our main concern is a suspension/expulsion or anything that could put his eligibility for next season in jeopardy. So now I've got my cousin the workers’ comp attorney on the case. He's instructed the kid to stay out of school tomorrow and not talk to school officials. He's going to be contacting the school's vice principal tomorrow to invoke the Fifth Amendment, assert the DT with the Rat Tail’s Miranda Rights, and let them know that they're going to have to prove their case through “corroborating testimony,” which they don’t have. He also threatened to “start deposing every bureaucrat in the school system” if they don’t let this go, so I feel pretty good about where we are at right now. I have to give my cousin credit — he's really earning the unlimited use of my parents' time share in Westminster, SC that is his fee for serving as our team’s legal counsel. But if this ends in an expulsion, it could cause major troubles for our defensive front next season.